Returning to Saturn

I told y’all I would probably go radio silent. Let’s blame this time on the holidays, seasonal depression, and a rough mercury in retrograde. 

I’m at this weird point in my life where I literally do not recognize my own personality anymore. How I used to behave and things I used to say feels like a completely different person.  I had a really weird past few months and I needed a release and old Sarah would have booked the next flight to the coolest destination to meet the most fake interesting people, attend chicest events I could find, and distract myself with a different journey for a few months trying to find my serotonin. But now that seems fucking exhausting. Not like oh I’m old exhausting. But like ew none of that shit even matters exhausting. Annoyingly enough, the only thing that I can do is sit in this phase of my life and let it play out. WHICH I HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE. Lately, I miss the old me and how I always knew how to cheer her up or fix her problems. I memorized the manual. NOW I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. I guess that is part of growing out of your old self. 

So I have a therapist Pam, a psychic Lloraine who doubles as an astrologer and past lives specialist, and a gay best friend who I have to speak to all three multiple times a week or else I combust. According to Lloraine, apparently I’m going through a Saturn Return. Which I’m fine with because I watched an interview with Adele who said she is ALSO in her Saturn Return. So I am in good company. A saturn return is a period of getting really serious about who you are, what your legacy is, and what you're here to leave for the world. You become very internalized and become a loner and basically leave the old you behind. I don’t even know how long it lasts but basically there’s no avoiding it and you have to strap yourself in for the emotional roller coaster you are about to take off on. 

Basically, I had to take inventory of my life. I had to take down my facade, strip me down, and look at everything. The good, bad, and stupid parts of everything I am and everything I’ve done so far. It’s a fucking humbling thing let me tell you. There’s no faking it. It’s just you and the truth. And I spent YEARS avoiding this because honestly, I fucked up a lot. 

But I think I like the new me so far because I hate myself less which is a good feeling for once. I used to be terrified to get older. I just wanted to freeze everything… time, my body, my face, and my life. I didn’t want anyone or anything to change. Now, I’ve stopped fighting it as hard. I stopped letting other peoples insecurities trigger mine. I’ve stopped holding myself and other people to impossible standards. I also released the need to be perfect and replaced it with trying to be more awake and content with who I am at this point in time. I used to measure success on what 15 year old Sarah would think and by that standard I did everything and more. Now I think about me at 35. Is she going to be happy with what I did today or is she going to suffer because of a bad judgement call? I guess the Saturn Return for me is meeting myself at this point in my life and forgiving myself for the fallout. 

xx

SJ